Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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