Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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