i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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