All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
