LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
