Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
