I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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