Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
