dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
