Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Screwed.edu
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
