mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
