I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
