I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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