My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
