I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
