carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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