I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
