do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
