I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
