Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
