Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
