He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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