i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
