I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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