Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
