Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm getting married
To pizza
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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