So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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