i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
