His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If I die, sorry about rent.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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