singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
