My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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