I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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