I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
