someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
