I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
