i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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