My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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