Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
