dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
