I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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