Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
