Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
