hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
