hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
