i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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