Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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