I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
