you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
There are leaves in my underwear?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize