I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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