i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
you made out with another girl for some wings
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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