I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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