I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
