i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Houston, we have a blender
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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