So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
