everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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