I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
