I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
