Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
