i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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