hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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