i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
