Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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