There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
