I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
