I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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