im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
