So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
