I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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