In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
