You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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