Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
