2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
