so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So much rum. So many feels.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Let's get the cat blown out
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
