Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
