Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
