peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
